the worst thing ever

My mom told me that a eleven year old committed suicide. By hanging herself. In a shed. It is pretty disturbing. What would cause that kid to kill herself? What would have given her the idea of killing herself? I find it surprising that 11 year olds have something to be depressed about. Something for which she thought she cannot go on living. Especially in an age when they are supposed to be having fun and playing and joking around.

The whole fact that someone committed suicide at such a young age is making me very sad. I asked my mom if she had written a letter. My mom said, "do you really think she would have written a letter? She's a kid". And I thought - no she is not. She decided to kill herself. To take a rope, make a knot, and put it around her neck, and jump (?). How? Why? What was she thinking? When she put that noose around her neck? What were her last thoughts?

I wish I could do something. At least to prevent more people from doing it.

Annoyed

My phone is acting all weird today. First, in the morning, while I was listening to music, it would not allow me to change the volume. So I actually had to switch it off and then switch it back on.

And then, as soon as I switched it on - it decided to call a number on my contacts. I cut it. Then, she called back to know why I had called. But could I pick up the call? Of course not! So I tried calling back to explain. As soon as I could hear one ring, it stopped calling. It got disconnected!! I was not sure if it was a problem with the network or my phone. I just assumed it was the network.

Then, it would not play the radio. And if at all it played, it would keep changing the channels - so that I was not listening to any station for more than 5 seconds. Very calming.

After a lot of switching off and switching on - removing the battery and putting it back on, I finally figured out what the problem could be. It was the memory card! I removed it, and everything was fine. I put it back, and everything started to hang.

But I need the memory card. That's where all my music is stored. And so I devised a plan. I switched on the phone. I put on the radio. I put the memory card. And made sure that I don't touch any of the buttons. I literally kept counting minutes. And so, after some time ( I suppose after everything loaded fine), everything was working fine. I could make calls, and listen to whatever I want, and could increase/decrease the volume.

And I reached office. NO, no it does not end.

I was on my way for a coffee break - and there comes this woman. She is just swaying her hands around me, and off goes the phone from my hand. Flying. It came down in 3 pieces. I just got down and picked up the pieces. She was very apologetic. I told her that its alright, and went ahead putting everything back together. Had to go through it all again - battery, memory card, blah blah.

In the evening, I was talking on the phone with a friend. It got disconnected 5 times in 5 minutes. Then I decided if it gets disconnected again, I would talk tomorrow. It got disconnected in 2 seconds.

I don't know. No idea whats wrong! Did not change anything in the phone , and did not put anything new in the memory card either. Just a bad day.

Guess what?

I'm going to UK again! It is total madness. My manager sent me a message (!) asking me to book tickets as soon as possible, and to leave as soon as possible. I have not even been here for a week! And I am going back? I am sort of happy, and sort of annoyed! Mixed feelings. Never thought that there would be one day when I would be traveling so much! Ha!

Good thing is I didn't unpack. All my clothes are already in the bag, so I just need to put my shoes, and I am done!

The travel back last week was totally sick. After all that happened with my tickets in UK, when I reached Bangalore, I realised that my bags have not come with me. I asked those guys, and they told me that I was supposed to identify my bag in the first port of arrival in the country (or something like that). Basically, i was supposed to have gone and told someone, "those are my bags". But since I was taking the same airlines till Bangalore, I had a through check-in. I expected to take my bags only when I get to Bangalore. Some shit. So anyways, I had to go to the airport again to get my bags on Tuesday. I went to office only on Wednesday. Monday, again I would be in UK office. Crazy!

A Wildlife park and London

Last week was pretty much uneventful. Work was a bit hectic though, and tempers were flaring (mostly mine). Somehow I am not able to deal with moronic people around me. I cannot believe that some people can be so dumb that they cannot realise what others are doing. Some people just lie to go ahead, and some people hide stuff. I suppose I should start dealing with it instead of getting irritated. Only problem is I don't know how to deal with it.

Friday night a bunch of us got together and we were just talking generally. And I realized again that I do not like talking about myself. At all. If some one asks me a question, I would not know what to say. They would mostly get 2 words. Or at most 10. Sad. I think I write better than I talk. We actually sat up till 2 talking! I don't even remember most of the things that were said (mostly since I was so sleepy).

Saturday we went to a wildlife park. Which was nice. Lots of animals and weird looking birds. I wanted to take pictures of an owl (which had a heart shaped face! ), and whenever I switched on my camera and tried to take a snap, it would turn. It happened 3 times. Then I went near the cage and was just about to click. And the owl just screeched towards me! And it perched itself right were my camera was! Scary! I almost dropped my camera right there! I jumped back and saw that all my friends were laughing at me. Nice. And they said that the owl was camera shy, it didn't want its picture taken, and that because I was insisting on taking that snap, it decided to teach me a lesson. Lesson learnt.

Was really tired on Saturday, but on Sunday there was the London marathon. And we were invited to join and cheer there. And we really wanted to go. So we did. It was exciting. There was a huge crowd, with people cheering for their family and friends. But what I liked most was the spirit of the people there. They were not just cheering for the people they know, they were cheering and motivating the runners who they didn't know. The runners too were responding by waving or smiling. I cannot understand how someone can run so much. 35000 people actually finished the race of 26 miles! Crazy it is! And they are all running for a cause, which is even more awesome.

I want to run a marathon now. Have already started reading on how I can train myself and everything. But I cannot really say if I will finally do it. But I really, really want to. Will start small, and finish big hopefully. Should start once I get back to India. I hope I find someone who is willing to run with me, else I don't know if I would run.

After spending 1 hour seeing the people run, we decided to eat something, and go to the museums. By the time we reached the Science museum, we were really hungry. We spent about 45 minutes trying to find a place to eat. Finally found subway! Yay! Had yummy sandwiches and was totally satisfied. Saw the science museum, which is really, really huge. In case you are seeing it, I would recommend you to directly go to the third floor and see the Launchpad. It is this place where you can get a hands on experience on everything (energy, lights, shadows, and so many things) There was so much to see that in 2 hours, we just managed 2 floors. Could not even see the other 3 floors! With what I saw - there were rockets, living in space, energy, trains, flights, something about the future, health, psychology and lots more! Unfortunately, the museum closes at 5:30, so we had to leave.

Since we didnt have anything else to do, we went to Hyde park. It huge. And green. With lots of trees. There's also a lake there. With ducks swimming in it. The ducks come so close to people hoping that we give them a treat (we didnt have any though). Also lots of pigeons. Who are not scared of humans. Who also come very close to people. Which scares me. I am scared of birds flying near my face. Freaks me out. Saw lots of people skating around, and I also wanted to skate! Did not happen though!

So it was a nice weekend. Totally satisfied. But I am so tired that all I want to do is sleep. Have to work now though.

London , and other things.

It has been a week since I reached UK, and nothing seems new. I am working in the same office, with the same people, and I also know the person who is staying in my apartment. In a way it is nice, and in a way it is not nice.

This time the place that I am staying is pretty good. There are stores nearby, and I can atleast see people walking around. 

Had been to London on Saturday! We reached London around 10 in the morning, and left by 10pm! It was a long, long day! But it was nice and sunny, so it was all good! Saw Tower Bridge and London Bridge. Had coffee in Starbucks (Yum!!). Went to the Imperial war museum. Went to Trafaulgur (spelling?) Square. There was some music concert going on here. Entry was free! Hanged around there for 20 minutes. Had lunch in McD. Then we went to Buckingham Palace. Walked through the park to reach Downing street. Saw some men standing guard there. (For some reason, this is a tourist attraction!). Saw Big Ben, Westminster, London eye. Went to a restaurant in EastHam and had dinner. And then got back. 

Except the museum, I had already been to the other places before. But still, the day was good. I was so tired when I reached back! We literally walked almost the whole day! 

I like London. I liked it before and I liked it this time. I especially like the parks, and the greenery, and the walk from Tower Bridge to London Bridge next to the water. 

Today (it's Sunday evening when I am writing this, but it would be monday when I publish it) I just woke up late, had breakfast. Then I started sneezing. And I didn't stop. And now I have a cold. A very bad one. My nose is literally dripping. I know, gross! I just had a crocin and slept for half an hour. We had plans to go out in the evening. I told NS (the girl in my apartment) to wake me up if we are going out. I said I would be up in half an hour, and I was. But when I woke up, I saw that they have left. I was irritated initially, since there is no way I can contact them as they dont have a mobile number. But now, I am glad that they left me alone to myself. Cannot be with someone 24/7. It is even more annoying since I work with NS. And all NS can do is bitch about my team mates. I mean, you can do it once, twice. But not constantly. Everytime we talk, she will have some complaint about someone and she will not stop! Gosh, I do not know how to stop her! Even if I don't respond, she would not care, and she would continue. 

Oh well. Can't do much. I now plan to watch a movie, and then either read a book or play a game that I have installed in my laptop. Cannot go online unfortunately since these morons have decided not to give us internet in our apartments. I miss being online and browsing. I miss filter coffee. That's it. 

--

Just after I finished writing the above I decided to heat and eat a muffin. So I went to the kitchen and put the muffin in the microwave. And then, NS comes out of her room. So they had not gone anywhere. She was sleeping! Ha! So unexpected that was!! So I told her that I thought that you guys had left, and she said, "How could we leave without you!" 

So later we went to another colleague's house and sat there and yapped for a while. Then we got to know that there was a park nearby, so we decided to go there for a walk. And since it was nice and sunny as well, it was nice. There were a lot of kids playing, and their parents were sitting and watching them. It was a huge place though! And so many trees and open spaces and full of greenery. Refreshing. It is sad that such places are not there in Bangalore. Even if there is some park, there would be so many people there, that it would not be refreshing anymore. We would have to fight for some place to sit! But, of course, that cannot be helped. 

Got back, made dinner. And now I am just sitting. I'm too full. 

I had read a book called The Notebook in the airport and on the flight. My sister had said it is such a great book and all that. And I believed it. But it sucked so much, that I was literally pissed of half way through! Then I called up my sis and asked her how she liked such a book, and she tells me "Ha! Ha! I made you read it!" Damn! How annoying that was! 

Zilch

Yesterday someone asked me what I am obsessed about. And I could think of nothing! I don't know if it is OK coz I don't have anything that I am obsessed about. I mean, I can't think of anything! Sometimes I wonder how I can be so un-emotional? Everyone has something that they need to do, or have. Like, drinking coffee, watching a tennis match, any sport for that matter or some particular food that they like to eat.

Don't get me wrong, I like things. But the point is that I would not mind not having these things. I like drinking coffee in the morning as soon as I get up. But even if it is not there, it's OK. I can go on for days without coffee.

I remember that since my childhood, I didn't want anything. My mom would be so happy if I asked her to make something to eat, and she would make it too. She always says that I don't ask for anything. I never asked for clothes, never asked for chocolates(but would get it when my sister goes out and buys) , nothing.

Few days back, a colleague asked what I want to do before I die. I thought for a few moments, when I realised that I had nothing. And, I said - nothing. So he asked if I wanted to do something that I have not done before, but want to do. Again, nothing. How can I be like this? I don't have any thing that I want to achieve, nothing that I am striving for, no ambitions.

I know so many people who want to do so many things, and I am jealous coz they know what to do. Its all clear in their heads about what they want to become. And so, they can do everything that is possible to get that.

I have been thinking for the past days about something I want to do. Bungee jumping. That's it. Wow, I will jump off a cliff with just a rope to protect me from falling over and dying. That's it.

And that's what my life is. Zilch.

Why?

Why is it that I am so confused all the time?
Why am I so easily convinced when someone says something?
Why don’t I have an opinion of my own?
Why do I bother about what other people think about me (or what I do)? Why don’t I feel strongly about most of the issues (that others do)? Why don’t I feel strongly about anything?
If I know that I should do something, why don’t I do it (and not wonder if I should do it)?
Why is it that I don’t know what’s happening around the world? Why don’t I care about it? Or anything?
Why can’t I stand for what I believe in? Do I even know what I believe in?
If I like to blog, why don’t I blog more often?
Why can’t I come up with a better title for this blog? (Why does it even bother me!?)

Holidays

No, unfortunately, they don't give us holidays in office. One thing I miss from college, this is. Atleast one month between semesters, or sometimes even 2 months. Not that I made use of those holidays. I used to get bored in them.

So, now I had to take 4 days leave from office, from which I have got 10 days of holidays! Yay! I am going out of station tomorrow. I know I will get bored where ever it is I am going (I know where I am going btw ). So I brought books with me to read. Its been a long time since I read like how I used to read before. Whole day I would just read a book, coz I had to finish it before I could sleep. And everyone around me would get bugged coz I owuld be trying to ignore them as much as possible.

So the point is, I will not be bloggin for a week. Maybe if I get my hands on a computer, I will blog. I will really miss my computer the most. Gosh, a week without a computer. I hope I don't go mad. But the change will be good anyway from office, so its a good thing. So see you all next year!

Merry christmas people, and have a blast at the new year. Happy new year!