Things to think

If people don't know something, why do they pretend that they know it? It just makes them look stupid.

I wrote the above on 19th Oct 2007, and didn't post it. Found this in my draft. I still believe in it! 

Saturday

I am suddenly missing the internet. I just want to sit and browse. Its almost 1 in the night, a Saturday night, and I am unable to sleep. I just finished watching a movie - The lookout. It was a crappy movie, but I watched the whole thing anyways. I should not have slept in the afternoon. That was really stupid. I was so lazy the whole day, didn't want to do anything, so I slept. I knew this was gonna happen, me unable to sleep, and yeah. It did.
It is either that I slept too much during the day, or I am thinking too much. Yesterday was so bad, I dont know when I will get over it. I am trying to, and there are so many things that remind me of yesterday. Ugh. Oh well, we all had decided to go to a place called Pamukkale. The place was ok and everything, so why it was bad for me, you ask? I lost my phone in the bus. I can't believe I could be so irresponsible. I see people losing their things, and I would wonder how it was even possible. And then, I did it myself. That sucks man. It really does. It was just like 11 months old, and I liked it so much. The even worse thing is that I spent 21 liras the day before to get a SIM card, and to get my phone registered. I had not done this before - getting the phone registered. You can’t use a SIM card in a foreign phone for more than 20 days. So I thought I will get a SIM card, and get the phone registered. And now, I have no phone. What the hell?

Ok, but that is not all why the day was bad. I decided to forget about it (losing the phone thing) then, not think so much about a phone, and decided to enjoy the day. They all asked if I was ok, and yeah, I felt ok. Even though I lost my damn phone I was gonna enjoy the day! So yeah, we walked around in that place, and we were clicking photos and such. And then it happened. I asked my friend to take a snap of mine. And I was giving her my camera. She reached out for it. And it fell. Down. On the calcium deposits. Which was like rock. The camera is just 2 months old, man. Shit! Like losing my phone was not enough. I thought I was gonna start crying or something. I didn't. Phew. I didn’t even reach out for the camera when it fell. I was just standing there. My friend picked it up, and tried to make it work. Switch off the camera, and switch it on again. Yeah right. Soon everyone was around that camera trying to do something. I just sat down on that dumb rock. I was numb. Someone then did something and it was atleast showing the pictures that I took. But the lens was stuck, and so the camera is not working. I just told them to forget it, and packed the camera back in the bag. And I just sat there.

I told the others to be careful. I said I might die today, take care of me. Ha ha. It was funny then. I don’t expect it to be funny now. No, it isn’t. Ah, I laughed then.

And now, after mid night, I am reminded of my phone. Motorola V3i. All my favourite songs were in that phone. Damn it. I will miss it. All that remains now, are my ear phones, the data cord, and the cover. I was listening to music in the bus from the phone. When the stop came, when we had to get off the bus, I remember removing the ear phones and putting it into my bag. I don’t know what I did with the phone. I usually put it in my pocket, but I guess I didn’t. We had to take another bus. I realized that I didn’t have my phone when I got into the next bus. And when I realized that the phone was not in my pocket, I knew I had lost it. No point in searching everywhere, I was not gonna find it. My friend actually made me go to the bus and search there. I did, and obviously it was not there.

I don’t know which phone I will buy next, but I don’t see any other flip phone as good as that. But, I will not be buying another flip phone. Hmmm, and I don’t have an alarm no more. I gotta use the f****d up alarm clock that is there in the hotel room. It takes like five minutes to set the damn alarm.

I have been reading “Atlas Shrugged”. Did not read in the past 2 months, just started reading from 4 days. I want to finish the book before I return India. Since I got to know that I have to stay here for one more month, I thought of reading. I have read Fountain Head, and this book seems so similar to that one. Maybe it is just Ayn Rand. Or maybe its just me. The theme is the same, it seems so far. But then, I have just begun the book.

I don’t like the work that I am doing here. However, I am not able to decide exactly what I want. This will not get me anywhere. I realize that. I have always waited for things to happen. That was because I didn’t care. I didn’t care what I would do, when I would do, and how I would do it. I still don’t, I think. When the moment came, I would do it the best way I can. But then if I don’t like what I am doing, then I should start thinking about changing that. I don’t like thinking this. I keep evading this as much as possible.

Feeling sleepy now, so will sleep while I can. Duh.

Should I, or shouldn't I?

What do you do when you know that a person is lying? When you know that every sentence the person speaks is a lie? You know the person lies so much, that sometimes you don’t know if you can ever trust that person. What do you do when the person comes in late to a room, and you know where she was, and what she was doing, and yet, she says she was some place else, doing something else? Pretend that you don’t know what is happening? How long can you pretend? Should you just tell the person that you know the truth, and that she can stop lying?

But then, what if the person was not lying? What if what you think has happened didn’t happen at all? How would you know for sure? Follow your gut feeling?

I’m sick of pretending. I just wish I could just tell it to her face and tell her that I know. It would be easy on her. And on me.

Ok, I need help!

The problem is, blogger.com is displaying in Turkish! And I cannot read Turkish! How do I get the page in English? Like, for example, see the screenshot below. Hopefully I should be able to post the picture. Ugh! This sucks.

Someone please tell me how I can do this! Please!!

Will look into it on Monday when I reach office!

Okay, I can't post the screenshot, coz I cant follow directions in Turkish :(

Say what?

I want to write so many things, I don’t know where to start! I am in Turkey! Yeah, that’s right, Turkey! First time away from my family, first time I got out of India, first time will be staying alone for so many days! So many first times. This is so cool!

I traveled alone. And I managed it, I’m happy.

I am in Turkey!

Holy Crap!!

Yeah, I am still not over it! I don’t know how long it will take even.

So it has been a week since I landed here, and everything has been going great. But everyone here (who is from India and working here, like me) crib a lot. They crib about everything... the heat (it’s really hot!), the food (tough for veggies), and staying in this place. For me, it’s been fine (maybe coz I just got here). I just miss my morning coffee! Food is a little tough, but I like bread, so I can manage with anything. I just don’t see the point of cribbing so much. The effect of all this cribbing may eventually make me start cribbing too. I mean, I like this place now, but I am afraid I may start hating everything about it, if I hear that everyone hates it. Hmmm…

The days are long here. That will need some getting used to. It would be 8 in the night and still bright, like 5 in the evening in Bangalore! One night, around 10 my friends and I walked around for almost half an hour. That’s the time when it is cool. That was so good though, if I were to be in India, my mom would have freaked if I walked out the house at that time! Now she does not know :P

The stupid things I do in a week - Part 2

Lose/Forget my passwords(and everything important) Till last week, I used to download all my mails to my computer using outlook mails. Outlook mail is very useful when one has many mail ids. (like me). Don’t ask why I have many though. So the good part is that I can read all my mails at once, without having to enter the password again and again. AND all the mails are read from the same place. If one wants to read the mail again, you don’t have to open the mail, which saves time too.

So this outlook mail can be used for many things. For saving some important mails, for saving passwords, writing blogs, saving links, and whatever jazz is required. This is extremely useful when many people use the same computer and things have to be saved. (Like links to blogs – useful coz people at home don’t know about the existence of your blog.)

So what’s the stupid thing I did? Yeah, a week back, my dad called a guy to add extra disk drives. So what does this guy do? He decides to clean up all the other drives present. He asked my sister who was at home if he can do it. My sister asks me if any backup is required. I said no, coz none of my things are present in c drive. My sister gave the OK, and he cleaned it up.

I come home, and try to open outlook, which I can’t. The user itself is deleted!!! So every bloody thing that I saved is lost. It is still lost by the way. I tried looking for the backup files. But none are available. You get backup files only if you save it. (Duh!!) And since it was not saved, it’s all gone.

Damn stupid. I know.

The stupid things I do in a week

Lose my Form 16. Wow! This was so stupid, that I don’t even know where to begin! For you to really understand how I can lose it, I must start from the beginning.

I got my Form 16, and I got it home safely, without even a small fold in the papers. I keep it in the table, where all the newspapers and other papers are kept. I tell dad that I have got my form 16, and he gives a very long lecture on how to save money, and blah blah, things I really don’t wanna listen to at 10 in the night. And then, I go to bed and have a very nice sleep, completely forgetting the form16 which is lying with all the newspapers.

Days go by, and I am in blissful ignorance that we are required to submit the form 16 along with some other papers before july 31st. I get mails in the office which tells me all the papers that I need. And Form 16 is one of them. No worries. I don’t have to do anything since I don’t have to pay any tax. Right? WRONG!!

Apparently you HAVE to do it. You don’t really have a choice. Just do it. Ugh. So anyways, I go home, ask mom and dad where my form 16 is. Mom said it is with dad, and dad said it is with me, and someone said it’s with someone else. Oh whatever. No one had it. That’s the point. So no one has it. Mom said “You must have lost it”.

Me, someone who has not lost even a single eraser lost something so important? (The only other thing that I remember losing is my hall ticket during engineering. Maybe that will be a whole different post. But other than these two things, I have not lost anything I don’t lose things. I can’t be SO irresponsible! Strange that I should lose ONLY important things)

So I search for the Form 16 for 4 whole days, looking through every single piece of paper in the house. I even found my dad’s form 16, all neatly filed. When I found dad’s file, I was so furious. Could he not tell me that it is important? I would have kept it safely then. I know it’s a lame excuse.

Oh well, after 4 days, my mom found it! Yay!! What a relief. But I still can’t get over the fact that I was so stupid. I am pretty sure that I will not lose anything like this ever again. I better be sure!

Yeah, so I am too lazy to type all the stupid things I do. ( I have many. Hmmm, maybe I can start a tag. *evil laughter* Maybe I will do that someday)

By the way, I dont know what the hell is wrong with my internet connection. Every ten mins I get disconnected! What the hell? I don't know if some setting changed, or if there is some issue with the connection itself. VERY annoying!!!

Zilch

Yesterday someone asked me what I am obsessed about. And I could think of nothing! I don't know if it is OK coz I don't have anything that I am obsessed about. I mean, I can't think of anything! Sometimes I wonder how I can be so un-emotional? Everyone has something that they need to do, or have. Like, drinking coffee, watching a tennis match, any sport for that matter or some particular food that they like to eat.

Don't get me wrong, I like things. But the point is that I would not mind not having these things. I like drinking coffee in the morning as soon as I get up. But even if it is not there, it's OK. I can go on for days without coffee.

I remember that since my childhood, I didn't want anything. My mom would be so happy if I asked her to make something to eat, and she would make it too. She always says that I don't ask for anything. I never asked for clothes, never asked for chocolates(but would get it when my sister goes out and buys) , nothing.

Few days back, a colleague asked what I want to do before I die. I thought for a few moments, when I realised that I had nothing. And, I said - nothing. So he asked if I wanted to do something that I have not done before, but want to do. Again, nothing. How can I be like this? I don't have any thing that I want to achieve, nothing that I am striving for, no ambitions.

I know so many people who want to do so many things, and I am jealous coz they know what to do. Its all clear in their heads about what they want to become. And so, they can do everything that is possible to get that.

I have been thinking for the past days about something I want to do. Bungee jumping. That's it. Wow, I will jump off a cliff with just a rope to protect me from falling over and dying. That's it.

And that's what my life is. Zilch.

Guru

The story of a boy who fails his exams. The boy who goes out of his village on his own for his first job. The boy who quits his job because he wants to make his own business. The story of how his father told him not to dream, but he did. The boy who would do anything (either by hook or by crook), so that he becomes successful. The story of the boy who wants his company to be the biggest in the country, and then the world. The boy is Guru Kant Desai.

And Guru is Abhishek Bachchan. Who is just brilliant in the movie! Who knew he could act that well!! His wife is Aishwarya Rai, who, in the movie, loves to dance. She dances when it rains, when she leaves her husband, when her husband comes to get her. She just dances. God knows why!

There is nothing good about the movie though, except Abhishek, and one song. There were some stupid songs that should not have been there in the first place. Suddenly a song would start, which completely bored me.

There is no point of telling the story here, if anyone wants to know the story, they might as well watch the movie. For me though, the ending was a disappointment. Perhaps, the director forgot what the movie was all about. Or maybe, he forgot the others in the movie, except for Abhishek. The ending makes no sense at all to me. The second half of the movie aimed at telling something, but it finally becomes something else. Or maybe, that was how I interpreted it. If it was a good movie, everything must have been clear in the end. But it was not.

Oh well, Abhishek was great. Need I say that again?

The case of the lost earring

One of my colleagues (lets call her "A") lost one of her earring yesterday morning. She said she saw it five mins back. And thus the hunt for the earring began. First to find out where she went in those 5 mins (which is a tough job considering her memory power), and then going to those places, looking everywhere for that damn earring. We both searched for 10 mins, but we didn’t find it. Not even a trace if it (I don’t know what "trace", it just sounded so good while writing). So we gave up, she telling me stories of how she keeps losing her earrings, and never finding it, and me making sympathetic noises here and there.

Then we met two other girls ("E" and "M"). E told A, that she would help her find the earring. I told "There is no point in looking for it. It will not be there anymore."

So E said, "You have to be more optimistic.” Then she turns and looks at A, and tells her "Come lets look for it". I said, "You won't find it, why waste time on something that you are SO sure of not finding?"

E just looks at me, and pulls A to hunt for the earring.

So I was sitting with M, in her cubicle, wondering when these two girls will come back. I was SO sure that they would not find it. I just didn’t get the reason why they would want to go and search for it anyways. I was just waiting for them, so that I could tell them how wrong they were.

After 15 mins, they come back. I see E first. I look at her, grinning, I ask, "did you find it?” E says, "No". To which I say happily, "See, I told you that you wont find it. You could have used this 15 mins to do something productive". I said some other things too, stuff I don't remember anymore. But I am sure I spoke for atleast a minute.

Then, A comes, and she is weirdly looking at me, shaking her face left and right. "God", I thought, "she must be having a convolution, or something". And then, I saw it! The missing earring! Gosh, did I see it right, or am I just imagining it? No, there it was! In her ear, shining away, and probably laughing at me.

I was so shocked. E tells, “hahahaha, so much for your being ‘so sure’! “

Oh, mockery! Is that what I have to listen to now? Oh well, I probably deserved it anyway. If only there was a way where one could dig a hole, and then get buried in it, I would have dug a hole and put E and A in it, and buried them there!

I don’t even know what happened for 5 minutes after that, coz I was so lost, and confused. Why, oh why could the earring NOT be found!! Why did she have to find it! Could I not have one guilty pleasure? Pleasure of me being right? For once? And then, I started to get angry. At E for laughing, and at A for finding the damn thing. I don’t even know who found it, or where it was found, or how it escaped my eyes in the beginning. Coz I didn’t hear anything else for 5 mins. Those 5 mins were lost on me. Like, memory loss, or some shit.

Oh well. Things happen, right? RIGHT!?

Why?

Why is it that I am so confused all the time?
Why am I so easily convinced when someone says something?
Why don’t I have an opinion of my own?
Why do I bother about what other people think about me (or what I do)? Why don’t I feel strongly about most of the issues (that others do)? Why don’t I feel strongly about anything?
If I know that I should do something, why don’t I do it (and not wonder if I should do it)?
Why is it that I don’t know what’s happening around the world? Why don’t I care about it? Or anything?
Why can’t I stand for what I believe in? Do I even know what I believe in?
If I like to blog, why don’t I blog more often?
Why can’t I come up with a better title for this blog? (Why does it even bother me!?)